The Fiery Tale of Stan and Super Dave’s Safety Shortcut

Oct 29 / STAN
Let me tell you about a day at Larry's Locomotive Works, a fine establishment in Toledo, Ohio, where safety is generally only a thought that flickers as dimly as Stan's decision-making skills.

Larry's Locomotive Works isn't your run-of-the-mill repair shop; no, it’s a bustling temple of American engineering, where things are built to run on rails and apparently also explode on occasion.

On this particular day, the sun was blazing, the thermostat was pushing 98 degrees, and everyone had somewhere else they'd rather be. Stan was keen to get home before his wife started asking where he’d spent the extra two hours he never admits to taking at lunch. Meanwhile, Super Dave, our trusty cohort, had a hot date lined up and no intention of being late, even if it meant setting fire to the whole shop. Nothing could’ve stopped Dave's plans — except maybe an explosion or an oil fire.
Our first problem was that all the explosion-proof equipment — fans, lights, and extinguishers — was buried somewhere in a shop container that was stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey. And who has time to dig that stuff out? Stan, being the safety maven he’s not, figured, "Eh, we’ll just use this halogen lamp the electrician was using earlier." Sure, that lamp could probably heat the cab to a toastier temperature than an Arizona August, but it was right there, and Stan wasn't about to walk an extra 30 feet to dig up an “explosion-proof” light. After all, 98 degrees inside the shop wasn't hot enough.

So Stan, all suited up in his Tyvek suit, head sock, and respirator, grabbed that halogen heater — I mean, lamp — and crawled into the cab. He was dripping in sweat, but the man was determined. He fired up the sprayer and got to work, coating the wall and console in that epoxy primer. All was going great until he went a bit too close to that halogen sunlamp.

And that’s when we all heard it. BOOM!!

The entire cab was engulfed in a fireball. There was Stan, newly flame-roasted, frantically trying to remember where the nearest fire extinguisher was — or if there was one in the first place. He burst out of the cab, suit flaming, masking tape aflame, and hair singed beyond recognition. “Dave!” he hollered, his ears practically smoking. “Fire extinguisher!” But Dave, headphones in, was jamming out to Ice Ice Baby, completely oblivious to the fiery chaos playing out just a few feet away.

Desperate, Stan dropped to the ground and began the world’s most frantic Stop, Drop, and Roll, managing to snuff out the flames on his suit, though his ears weren’t so lucky. Turns out, his head sock didn’t cover all of him — the man's head was a bit too big for the standard issue. Eventually, Stan grabbed an extinguisher, doused the flames, and put an end to his personal inferno.

Afterward, with a head swollen from both singed ears and sheer rage, Stan confronted Dave. “Where were you, man? I almost burned alive!” Dave, pulling his headphones down, shrugged. “I figured you were just, you know, focused in there.”

They surveyed the damage: the cab was scorched, the masking paper was toast, and the smell of burnt Tyvek lingered in the air. All because they skipped about five crucial safety steps. And you know, it’s funny — not “ha-ha” funny, but “that’s gonna cost us” funny — how cutting corners didn’t save them any time or money. In fact, it cost them a whole lot of both, not to mention a couple layers of Stan’s epidermis.

Lessons Learned? Yeah, We Got ‘Em.

  1. Explosion-Proof Equipment Is Not Optional. The reason that stuff is so hard to find isn’t because it’s unnecessary; it’s because we keep it safe and secure. And maybe don’t use halogen lamps to light up flammable spaces, no matter how convenient they seem.

  2. Assign a Fire Watchman — Without Headphones. Dave could’ve saved Stan’s ears if he’d been paying attention instead of practicing his moves for Vanilla Ice. Dave should’ve been on standby, fire extinguisher in hand, just in case. Headphones don’t help when the goal is to hear a problem before it’s too late.

  3. Take the Time to Set Up Properly. Yes, it’s a pain to drag out the explosion-proof fan, the fire extinguisher, and all the other safety gear, but an hour of setup could save hours of clean-up, medical bills, and — in Stan’s case — second-degree burns.

  4. Size Matters with Safety Gear. When the head sock doesn’t fit, well, you get roasted ears. Maybe next time, Stan should find a size that doesn’t leave his lobes exposed like s’mores over a campfire.

So, there you have it. A blazing reminder that safety equipment exists for a reason, and it doesn’t do you any good unless you actually use it. Super Dave might have made it to his date on time, but Stan? He went home smelling like a campfire, ears bandaged, and thoroughly educated on the finer points of fireproofing.

And as Stan will tell you, “Proper safety prep doesn’t just save lives; it saves ears, dignity, and a whole lot of headache.”
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